Thursday, March 5, 2009

Top Ten Worst Sporting Moments in Mythology

O.K. - Here it is, the top ten WORST moments in mythological sports history:

10. Perseus - Greek - It was prophecied that King Acrisius would be killed by his grandson.  He did all sorts of things to prevent this, including locking his daughter in an inderground room and throwing his daughter and her son into the sea.  Eventually, his grandson, Perseus grew up, became a hero, and was invited to a sporting competition to throw discus.  As great as Perseus was at chopping the head off of sleeping monsters, he was equally bad at throwing the discus.  His throw goes wild and lands int he stands, hitting a foreign dignitary in the head and killing him on site.  The guy?  Well, duh, King Acrisius.

9. Shadow-of-the-Sun -  Native American - In a race of east people versus west people, chief Shadow-of-the-Sun insures that no one will pass him by killing all those he overtakes during the race.  Not to fear, in a stroke of irony, he is beaten by four guys who then kill him and burn his body, thus bringing back all those he killed.

8. Huruing-Wuhti - Native American - In the world's most boring game of catch, these two old ladies throw the sun back and forth every day.  They are so slow, that it takes hours and they spend their time waiting by knitting and making little dolls.

7. Atalanta - Greek - Upon hearing that she would have to marry, the world's fastest woman decided she would trip up fate by declaring she would marry whoever could beat her in a foot race.  Many tried.  All lost.  Until Melanion came along.  See, never underestimate the male mind.  It may not be the quickest mind, but we always come through.  He did, though, by cheating (in a way).  In order to distract her, he threw golden apples.  Some stories say she was just distracted by the bling-bling and others say that she saw herself as an old woman in them.  Whatever the case, she kept stopping to pick them up and lost the race.  She married him, but didn't give in until finally his persistence won her over at a temple of Zeus.  Why Zeus was upset over someone "holding hands" in his temple is beyond me, but he did and turned them into lions, which, as everybody knows, cannot "hold hands."

6. Nanaue - Hawaiian - A.K.A. the Shark Man.  He challenged some guys to a swimming race (at the time, he was in human disguise).  When they got in the water, he turned into his shark form to beat them.  When people saw him, they got all upset and started screaming.  he freaked out and started eating people.  He turned back in the human form and they caught him, tied him up, and decided to cook him.  Just when they got him to the fire, he turned back into a shark, hopped into the closest river, and swam away.

5. Odysseus and Achilles - Greek - At one of the funeral games during the Trojan War, Achilles and Odysseus were in a foot race.  Knowing that he couldn't get up enough speed to pass Achilles before the finish line, Odysseus resorts to praying to Athena.  She doesn't give Odysseus a boost, but rather trips Achilles so that he falls face first into a pile of horse manure. 

4. Apollo and Artemis - Greek - Cheating to win is one thing, but Apollo takes sibling rivalry up to another notch when he decides he does not like Artemis's new boyfriend, Orion.  In one version of this myth, he challenges her to an archery contest and after they shoot at several targets, he points out a speck out in the ocean, knowing that it was Orion taking a swim.  Artemis doesn't realize this and shoots him.  Opps!

3. King Oenomaus - Greek - After hearing that his son-in-law would kill him, King Oenomaus challenges all of his daughter's suitors to a chariot race.  When he defeats them, he seals his deal by chopping their heads off and hanging them on the palace walls.  This doesn't deter Pelops, who takes up the race challenge.  Pelops, however, asked Poseidon for help (there are rumors that he and Poseidon may have been VERY close).  Poseidon, being reminded of "Aphrodite's sweet gifts," gives Pelops a winged horse chariot.  To insure maters more, he had Oenomaus's chariot sabatoged by replacing the bronze linchpins on the axel with ones made of beeswax. Oenomaus survived the wreck, but was pulled to death by his horses.

2. Thor - Norse - After being challenged to a wrestling match, the strongest Norse god was a sure winner, especially considering that the challenger was an old woman.  However, Thor was not only beat til submission once or twice, but three times.  It seems that the old woman went by two names.  One was Elli.  The other?  Old Age.  Oh yeah, Thor then lost his WWE contract...

And FINALLY, the Top WORST Moment in Mythology Sports:

1. Vucub-Caquix - Mayan - Hun-Hunahpu and his sons were playing soccer.  Evidentally they were so loud in their playing that it bothered the underworld, who challenged them to a winner take all battle.  After facing many trials to get to the underworld, the game began.  Vucub-Caquix, playing for Team Underworld, gets away with the most notorious no call ever.  He takes a knife out of his soccer shorts and chops off Hun-Hunahpu's head.  The ploy didn't work, and Hun-Hunahpu and sons win the game anyway.

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