Sunday, August 31, 2008

An Action Figure Waiting to Happen

I want to talk about a hero. Not just any hero, but a Celtic hero. Not just any Celtic hero, but THE Celtic Hero. Cu Chulainn. A man named after a dog.

We'll talk more about this guy tomorrow in our synchroblog of Journey to the Otherworld. But for now, I want to tell you why I think this guy needs a cartoon movie and an action figure. He has a battle rage.

Now, I'm not talking about the Norse beserkers, who dressed in bear skins and believed in battle that they became a bear. I'm talking about a battle rage of mythic proportions! During his battle rage:
  • his calves and heels turned around to the front (that's bad on the knees!)
  • his body trembles
  • one eye recedes
  • one eye stands out huge and red (no Visine to help back then)

You would think that would be enough to stop a foe in his tracks, you know with legs all backwards and eyes looking funky, but that is not all. As I said, this is mythic:

  • his hair bristles and each hair has a drop of blood on it (and you thought you knew what a bad hair day was)
  • from the top of his head shoots a column of dark blood
  • from his forehead shines the hero's light

He would get into such a frenzy that he could not calm down. It took 150 naked women and a vat of water to cool him back to his normal state. A student once asked me why they needed to be naked. All the other guys in the class looked at him like he was crazy.

Now, imagine the Cu Chulainn action figure. Press a button and his body vibrates. The legs are multi-jointed so they can be turned around backwards. The body of the figure can have liquid in it so that when you squeeze it, the hair must go up, one eye will bulge out, and there can be a little red pack that stands up off the top of his head. Oh, and just like a glow worm, when held, his head will light up. He'll be every little boy's best friend. No monsters going to be coming out of the closet with little Cu on duty.

Oh yeah, the 150 naked women accessory will be sold separately!


KateGladstone said...


"Now, imagine the Cu Chulainn action figure. ... "

I don't want to just imagine it ... I want to buy it! (And the toy company can make more money by selling the 150 naked women action figures one-by-one instead of as a single accessory: give them different hairdos/complexions/etc. as an extra enticement to collect the whole series.)

Mark Alford said...

or maybe the gift set of ten women for only $9.99. I guess putting a robe on them that is too big and falls off when the figure moves and claiming "derobing action!" might be overdoing it a bit...

Oghme Comics said...

Hi :)
We're not into action figures nor movies, but we're making two webcomics about Cu Chulainn. You can check them here :

You might even like them :)

(no need to say we're huge fans of the celtic hero!)