The 12 Labors of Hercules: Labor 6 - Angry Birds

Eurytheus was in a bind.  He was supposed to send Hercules on impossible tasks to get him killed or to at least make him commit suicide for failing, but so far he, not Hercules, had failed.  And when it is Hera who is your boss in these matters, failure is not a viable option.  I imagine he sat back and reviewed his previous ideas:

• Task 1 - kill a monster (Nemean Lion)
• Task 2 - kill a monster (Hydra)
• Task 3 - capture a sacred animal (Cerynean Hind)
• Task 4 - capture a crazy animal (Erymanthian Boar)
• Task 5 - clean the filthiest place in one day (Aegean Stables)

If he follows the pattern, he would need to create another failing cleaning idea, but no.  What does he do?  He falls back to the impossible task that Hercules is that absolute best at - killing things.

Task # 6 - The Original Angry Birds

Hercules was in a bit of an irritated mood after having two additional tasks added on his list; however, being in a rare patient mood, he decided against killing his cousin - especially when he gets the next task to kill the Stymphalian birds.  What could be easier?  Birds rarely strike back and these lived at a lake.  He figured he would pack a grill, bring along a couple of babes and skis and have a nice day.

Fortunately he left the grill and babes at home because when he got to the lake at Stymphalos, he noticed what was going to make this tough.  It wasn't the fact that these are really mean birds.  By mean, I mean that they eat people, they are sacred to Ares, and they have poison poop.

Yes.  Poison poop.

Hercules regretted parking his car so close to the lake.

But these were not the worst things for Hercules.  The worst thing was that he did not have nearly enough arrows to shoot them all.  To make matters worse, he had no way of getting close to them in order to use a sword.  The surrounding swamp was just too mucky and he weighed too much.

He sat there pondering for a while (not his strong point), when Athena decided to help.  She gave him a rattle (a krotala, to be exact).  You remember the vuvuzelas of the 2010 soccer world cup in South Africa?  These are louder. It seems that Hephaestus made these things (that guy can make anything).

When Hercules shook his rattle, this is what flew out of the marsh area of the lake:

Hercules shot down as many as he could, but like we mentioned before, he didn't have nearly enough arrows to kill them all.  No worries.  That loud rattle was enough to drive these birds away for good.

Where did they go?  They flew off to an island that was owned by Ares and stayed there for a little while.  Jason (jerk) and the Argonauts landed on the island for a little R and R only to get attacked by them.  they knew they were in trouble when one guy was kill when a feather flew off one of the birds and impaled him.  They too made a lot of noise and chased them off.  Where the birds went to after that, I cannot say for I do not know.

Hercules brought a few dead ones back to prove his kill to Eurytheus who couldn't believe it (not a smart one, this guy).

In 2 A.D., a guy named Pausanias tried to find the Stymphalian birds.  He found a bird in the Arabian desert known as a Stymphalian that was mean.  He described them as being as mean as lions and that they woudl come after you if you hunted them instead of flying away.  He pretty much figured that these were the birds.  This makes sense since the legend states that these birds originally came from the Arabian desert after being chased away by wolves.

O.K., six down and six to go.  I'm sure that Eurytheus will come up with a better plan next time.  Surely he wouldn't do something stupid like come up with killing another animal that is impossible to kill/catch/survive.  You know, something like a really mean cow or something.

Surely not.

Missed some?  Catch up on the other Labors of Hercules.

The Eleven Labors of Hercules - Labor # 5

Eurytheus is in a bind.  He has tried to come up with impossible tasks, but it seems that Hercules doesn't quite understand the whole point here.  When I think of Eurytheus constantly saying that this task is impossible, that task is impossible, etc, he really must look like this guy:

You keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means.

However, I think Eurytheus is onto something this time.  Instead of having him kill this monster or catch that animal, tasks that Hercules is clearly good at, he gives him something completely different.  He must clean up the Augean Stables in one day.

Now, let's get a few ground rules set up here so that you understand the problem.  These stables had not been cleaned in 30 years.  The stables house 1,000 cattle.  Are you starting to see the problem?  Let's go even further.

The average cow produces 150 pounds of manure per day.  There are 365 days in a year, so we are looking at 150 x 365 = 54,750 pounds per year per cow.

Thirty years of not cleaning means that each cow has produced 1,642,500 pounds (because 54,750 pounds x 30 years = 1,642,500).

There are 1,000 cows each producing 1,642,500 pounds each which equals 1,642,500,000.  That's right - 1 trillion, six hundred forty-two billion, five hundred thousand pounds of manure.

If 1 ton = 2,000 pounds (which it does), then we are talking about 821,250 tons of crap (or for our metric friends - 745,025 metric tons).

Now I figure some of that weight is water which will drain out over time and some of it will disintegrate as well, so lets just say he probably has at least 700,000 tons of poop left to move.  I'm ballparking here.

Let's say that Hercules has access to his dad's 1952 Chevy truck.

It's possible that he had one of these.  This is mythology, you know.

Well, this truck can carry about 4 tons of manure.  That would be at least 175,000 loads.  Not to mention, where is he going to take this to dump it?

You see what I'm saying here?  This is obviously an impossible task.  However, Hercules, as arrogant as he is, not only thinks it is possible, but also asks King Augeas and tells him that he'll clean it out in one day if he gets a tenth of his cattle.  The king just laughs at him (usually a dangerous thing to do) an says sure.

As we have already stated, this is going to take a heck of a lot of truck loads.  However, Hercules has a different idea in mind, one that is going to be horrifying to you eco-friendly types out there.  He grabs a shovel and begins digging - not manure, though.  He digs trenches from the stables to two rivers close by and diverts their course so that they will wash out all the manure.  Then he just diverts the rivers back into their normal course.  This is all fine and dandy, but no myth book ever thinks of where all that water and manure went.  How many small villages were wiped out by the flood and the resulting diseases?  Oh well.  Those sorry saps are not our concern.  Hercules is.

And speaking of Hercules, he has a little problem collecting his reward.  It seems the King Augeas started citing EPA regulations and what not and refused to pay.  Hercules took the matter to a judge and the King's own son testified that Augeas promised to pay him.  The judge sided with Hercules and the King, in a rage, paid Hercules and kicked him and his own son out of the kingdom.

This is actually one of Hercules' best showings.  Unfortunately, Eurytheus claimed that since he got paid for his work, it doesn't count.  So, what was once ten labors is now up to twelve.

By the way, if you've ever want to practice shoveling manure like Hercules but you don't have a cow hanging around, here is how to make cow manure without a cow - http://www.motherearthnews.com/Organic-Gardening/1978-07-01/How-To-Make-Cow-Manure-Without-a-Cow.aspx

Till next time!

The Eleven Labors of Hercules - Labor # 4

Eurytheus is not doing so well in the picking of impossible tasks so far.  Let's have a quick run-down:

1. Kill a lion with nigh-impenetrable skin
2. Kill a monster that regrows decapitated heads
3. Catch a goddess protected deer

So what does he have up his sleeve for number 4?  Robot ninja dinosaurs with laser eyes?  That would have been cool.

Instead, Eurytheus chooses to have him capture alive the Erymanthian boar.  That's right a pig.  We can look back in past movies and books and recall in horror all the evil, scary pigs that pop up in them.

Actually, I still have nightmares over this horror story.  All those baby spiders crawling everywhere, floating on strands of webbing...    Uggh!

In his defense, the boar was supposedly a really mean pig.

Anyway, Hercules has very little problems with this.  It was harder finding the little sucker than it was catching it.  All he really does is chase it into a snow bank so that it gets stuck.  In fact, the pig scares him so much that he hides in a big vase until Hercules takes it away and then says that Hercules cannot bring any more creatures into his palace.  He practically wets himself in fear.  At this point Hera is probably smacking her forehead wondering what in the name of Zeus was she thinking when she picked this bozo to torture Hercules?

The big thing about this labor was a rest stop he made on the way to find the beast.  He stopped at a friend of his that just so happened to be a centaur (not that there's anything wrong with that) and had a bite to eat.  He then saw a cask of wine and went to open it.  His friend said that it would be a bad move to do so, but Hercules said, "Ah, what's the worst that could happen?"  Upon uttering these words, he opened the cask and the worst happened.  Every centaur in the tri-state area came wanting to know who opened their wine.  Hercules was forced to kill all of them, including Chiron, teacher of heroes.

In honor of the fallen ones, I'm posting up several pictures of centaurs for your viewing pleasure.

(http://ancieastro.wordpress.com/2010/11/22/sagittarius/)

(http://caseyparkhurst.blogspot.com/2011/03/grasslands-centaur.html)

(http://elvire.deviantart.com/art/Centaur-108595716)

(http://www.everypicture.com/prints/ray-harryhausen/4500/sinbad-and-the-centaur-canvas.html)

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centaur)

(http://www.neatorama.com/2011/05/31/anatomy-of-the-centaur/)

Random horse trivia - a horse's rear end is also known as a curple, which is the only legitimate English word that rhymes with 'purple' ('nurple' doesn't count).

If you want to read the labor in more detail, try this:  http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/Herakles/boar.html

The Eleven Labors of Hercules - Labor # 3

O.K., so we're finally on the third labor.  Finding time to write these is a labor in itself!

For Hercules' third task, he is assigned a very boring one.  I say boring from my point of view.  Researching this was meh at best.  Hercules' has to capture the Cerynean Hind.  For you deer hunters out there, this is the ultimate hunt.  This deer has antlers made of pure gold and hooves of brass.  The problem with this task for Hercules is that the hind is sacred to Artemis, goddess of wild things.

Hercules, in a rare display of intelligence, decides NOT to kill the hind, as he task is to bring it back.  So he decides to catch it.  He chases this animal for a whole year until finally just shooting it with an arrow.  He aimed only to wound it, not to kill it.  It's a good thing he didn't accidentally use one of those Hydra blood arrows he got on the last trip.

This, however gets the attention of Artemis, who comes down ready to kill Hercules for this affront, but gives him a chance to explain.  Once she hears the story and can clearly see that he did not shoot to kill, she heals the deer and lets him take the animal with him as long as he promises to let it go.

That's it.  There's no great back story about why there is a deer with golden antlers.  There's no constellation.  There's no alternative version.  I did find a blog titled this, but it had absolutely nothing to do with mythology.  The author refers to herself as the Fifth Cerynean Hind.  I have no clue what that means.  See!  I told you.  Meh at best.

The only thing remotely interesting is the picture, which I only find interesting because I am a nerd.  I found it on http://artwars52.blogspot.com/ and it is a storm trooper helmet with antlers attached to it painted gold.

I'm positive that the next labor will be better.

The Ten Labors of Hercules - Labor # 2

Hercules, now stylishly dressed in his new lion's fur coat and cap, is given a new monster to kill.  His second labor is to kill the Hydra, a nine headed monster who lives in the swamp of Lerna.  Not having heard of the Hydra, Hercules just shrugged and took off for it.  It wouldn't have mattered if he knew what kind of danger he was facing anyway.  That's just the kind of guy he is.

Hercules' nephew, Iolaus, came along for the ride.  They did practically everything together.  Athena went too, although nobody knew it.  She developed a fondness for her half brother and decided to help him out some.  She did this time by leading him to the right place to find the monster.  Of course, we are very familiar with this story.  Hercules cuts off a head, two more grow back.  He cuts off another one.  Two more grow back.  he cuts off another one, two more grow back.  This would have happened forever, if Iolaus wasn't with him.  Cleverness isn't Hercules' strength.  Iolaus ran in with a torch and burned the stumps as soon as the neck was chopped in two.  This way, the new necks couldn't grow back.  The center head is immortal, so Hercules just dropped a big rock on that one and called it a day.  He then coated his arrow heads in the hydra's blood since it is poisonous to any living creature.  On his way out of the swamp, he kills Cancer the crab just for kicks (and crab legs).

When he gets back, Eurytheus refuses to count this one as a successful labor since he had help.  Thus, the title of these posts will become "The Eleven Labors of Hercules."

The Hydra has many allusions to it.  Here are a few:

The Hydra - this little animal lives in streams and lakes in temperate and tropical zones.  It has amazing regenerative abilities and never grows old.

Hydra - This is a bad guy group in Marvel comics.  This gang was started by a guy named Baron Wolfgang von Strucker.  They always go around shouting about how you can't stop Hydra, cut off one head and two more grow back.  They usually say this right before they get killed.

THC-Hydra - this is some login hacker program.  I didn't want to search too much for this.  I figured I was making myself a target for being hacked.

Hydra was the name of a multichannel digital ad platform.  I don't really know what that encompasses, but I like the idea that they are playing on the many heads idea and connecting it with their mulitchannels.  However, they ditched the cool name and replaced it with the name Adknowledge.  Oh well.

Hydra - a made for TV movie in 2009 that stars, well, nobody I recognize.  The big tag line for this movie - "Prepare to be consumed."  IMDB doesn't even bother to add a summary for this movie.  Here's the trailer for it!  Scratch that.  I can't seem to get onto YouTube right now. I bet it was that stinking login hacker thing above!  It's probably best that we not see this trailer anyway.







But wait!  There's more!  We have:

The Hydra Project

And about 12,000,000 other results on Google.  Geez!  Everyone loves Hydra.

Next labor - no more killing monsters!  That's not working well anyway.

The Ten Labors of Hercules - Labor # 1

The first impossible task given to Hercules was to slay a lion.  Not just any lion, mind you.  This lion is the son of Enchinda (mother of monsters) and the 100 headed titan Typhon.  This lion was nursed by the moon goddess Selene (why she thought to nurse a lion is beyond my capacity to understand).

This was the . . . Nemean Lion. (Cue dramatic music!)

I don't know why Hercules thought fighting naked was a good idea.
He's probably one of those guys who thinks taking his shirt off at parties is the thing to do.

Hercules was fine with this task.  In fact, he thought, "Hmmpft!  I thought this would be harder."  And off he went, grabbing weapons along the way.  He grabbed a bronze sword.  He grabbed some arrows with bronze tips.  He grabbed an olive tree, pulled it up by the roots, and made it into a club.  He was ready.

When he found the beast, it immediately ran towards him. Hercules calmly shot three arrows at it in rapid succession (archery class had kept Hercules' GPA out of the 2.0 range in school - that and killing his music teacher).  The arrows merely bent their tips and bounced harmlessly off.  The lion leaped and Hercules hit it with his tree/club.  The lion was pushed out of the way, but otherwise unharmed.  At this point, it probably would have been wise to just run away, but then again, Hercules was never known for his wisdom.

The lion charged again.  This time Hercules dropped the club and grabbed the lion around his neck and held him.  The lion struggled, but he could not break the head lock Hercules had put on him.  Finally, the lion was dead.

Hercules then looked at the beast and thought, "That would be one cool cloak to wear!  I ought to skin it and wear it."  Upon which he replied to himself, "Cool idea, Herc!  Let's do it!"  He grabbed his knife and began cutting...

... only to remember that weapons don't seem to penetrate this hide.  So he brought out his heavy duty Bronze Sword 2000, which also didn't work.  Hercules sat, much like Winnie the Pooh does when he is thinking.  He may have even sang the "Rumbly in my Tumbly" song like Pooh occasionally does.

So then Hercules did something quite clever, although it was probably quite an accident.  He used the claws of the lion to skin the beast.  It worked.  So now Hercules goes around wearing the lion's head as a helmet and the skin draped down his back as armor.  It's quite impressive and pretty impressive to look at. Most times that is.

One of the better things about Disney's Hercules movie was having Scar be the Nemean Lion.

The lion can be seen still today, as it was immortalized in the constellation Leo.  The stars look more like a mouse than a lion and are pretty easily spotted if you are looking in the right direction.  That direction would be south in April (about 9:00).  Here's what you'll be looking for:

So, one down, nine to go!

See all of the Labors of Hercules Posts

The 10 Labors of Hercules

I know, you're thinking that I can't count, but trust me, this series of posts should be titled the 10 Labors of Hercules.  You'll see as this theme progresses.  Before we start, we need to give a little explanation.  It all starts with Zeus being a little horny (as many Greek myth do).

Zeus was sitting on his Olympus throne one day, looking down at the many people traveling to and fro when he noticed a beautiful young lady and decided that it was his sworn duty, as a god, to bless this young woman.  However, since his sister/wife was a jealous sort, he decided to take a disguise.  He ran through a list of options: bull, rain shower, swan...  No.  These just would not do.  He needed something different.  The it came to him and off he went.

Meanwhile, the young woman was going about her household chores to get the house prepared for when her husband came home from battle.  Suddenly the door opened and she heard, "Alcmene!  I'm home!  I missed you so much, let's [hold hands]."

She was surprised to see him home so early but very pleased by the best [hand holding] she ever had.  Then he abruptly got up and said, "well, I must be off."  Just like that he left.

Shortly after, she heard, "Alcmene!  I'm home!  I missed you so much, let's [hold hands]."  Alcmene was a smart woman and realized that the man who just came to her house was not her husband after all.  She kept her mouth shut to avoid attracting Hera's attention.  This would have worked, however, when she gave birth, she gave birth to twins.  One was a scrawny little kid.  The mid-wife named him Iphicles.  Then out came another baby.  The mid-wife remarked how big and healthy this one was.  She said that they should praise Hera for such a healthy baby.  She named him Herakles (we know him better by his Roman name of Hercules).  Alcmene knew it was all over then.  Sure enough, this got the attention of Hera and she vowed to destroy the baby.  This proved harder than it looked.  She sent snakes to kill the infant, but he just picked them up and tied them in knots.  Hera, however, was patient.  She waited for the right time to strike.

That time was after Herakles was married and had a few kids.  One day he just went berserk and thoguht he saw enemies all around trying to hurt his family.  Herakles tore them apart.  Then his madness went away and he saw his family in a bloody mess.  He had killed them.  Now Hera was responsible for this madness and she wasn't through playing with him yet.

After trying to come to terms with his guilt in various fashions, Herakles finally goes to an oracle.  The oracle, unfortunately, was mislead by Hera to reveal the wrong thing for him to do.  She said that he must report to the King of Tiryns, who just so happened to by Herakles' half brother who also hated him.  She said that Herakles must serve him for one full year.  Herakles, intent on getting forgiveness for his murderous behavior, goes willingly.

Once there, Eurytheus gets all excited and with the help of Hera, comes up with ten impossible tasks that Herakles must do to save his soul.

That, my friends, is where we stop for today.  In this series of posts, we will look at each labor and see how much fun Hercules had.  Oh, and I'm writing Hercules from now on because I like it better than Herakles.  So there.  I know I'm mixing Roman names with Greek, but hey!  Call it Blogger License.